God Provides a Way Even When You Wear Walking Shoes

What a rollercoaster it's been since the beginning of March! I finally transitioned out of the company I was working for and I'm finding fulfillment working with a non-profit organization right now in addition to some cool side projects. 

As I look back on notes I wrote in my scriptures during this time, it's interesting to see the impressions I received were exactly what I needed sometimes before I needed them and sometimes in the moment I needed them. 

Keep it weird - which means to not take things so seriously and to have more fun moments. 

Stop passing judgement - don't take sides. Thank people for their feedback and tell them you'll consider what they've said. 

Read my patriarchal blessing - study it. 

Go to therapy. 

Choose the right in all things. Take the higher road even when it's hard. 

My friend Karalea came to visit me at the end of March and it happened to be one of the most challenging times at work. She had been prompted to come visit and to share techniques she uses to get through challenging times, including sunrise, sunset, yoga, hiking, good food and art. This proved to be so valuable at a very important time in my life. I felt loved by God for this blessing.  

We explored Boise greenbelt, Boise downtown shops, Box Canyon, Shoshone Falls, Balanced Rock, Bruneau Sand Dunes, Camel's Back, Miracle Hot Springs and we walked the temple. (Temples are still closed due to COVID.) 

Karalea @Balanced Rock

Most impactful were Bruneau Sand Dunes at sunrise and Box Canyon. Spectacular! 

Bruneau Sand Dunes at sunrise

Box Canyon

The Box Canyon hike is a 4.3 mile loop. We hiked along the rim and then we gradually descended 400 feet and hiked along the river. The sun was hot that day and the idea of hiking back up the 400 feet in the heat and glaring sun was intimidating. 

Karalea and I asked hikers going the opposite direction about the hike out but I couldn't imagine it. My shoes were meant for walking, not scaling rocks, and as we moved along the path my mind kept repeating, "How in the world am I going to get up and out of this canyon?"

The spring water was a turquoise blue. The canyon was cool with a lot of shade cover. I wanted to take my shoes off and walk in the river. I didn't.

I had this nagging feeling I would need all the comfort possible to get up out of that canyon and wet feet mixed with dirt, dust and small rocks didn't sound comforting. 

The angst grew as we walked closer to the end of the canyon wall. I knew the closer we got to the end, the more steep the ascent would be. 

I kept myself distracted by the waterfalls. 

We inched closer and closer to the canyon wall.

"Keep your mind on the journey, the climb, enjoy it, Melissa", I whispered to myself. 

I WAS enjoying the hike. There was plenty of shade cover. The waterfalls were beautiful and their spray was refreshing. 

Knowing beforehand the hike was 4.3 miles, I was doing math in my head. 

"We should be coming out the canyon by now, so if we are still along the path that means the ascent will be too steep for me because I'm out of shape and because I'm wearing walking shoes." I thought.

We came to a clearing and I realized that we were already half-way up the canyon wall. 

I realized I had been ascending for awhile without knowing it and without much effort at all. The remainder of the path out illuminated above me in that clearing and it did look steep. 

I was grateful for the cable railing for support. 

I was grateful for Karalea who was ahead and who waited when I stopped to take it in, to get my breath, to keep my footing. 

This might have been the most enjoyable and inspiring hikes I have ever been on. 

When we fully climbed out of the canyon, I wept on a rock looking down into the canyon. 

The hike paralleled my life situation and the experience was spiritual for me because through my internal whispers, the Spirit was also whispering...

..."Yep, you're about as low as you can get."

..."The walls DO look steep. It does look hard."

..."God, is in the waterfalls, the beauty, even when you are low in life."

..."Look for the beauty when things are challenging."

..."I know it seems impossible. God will provide a way."

..."The way will be easier and more enjoyable than you imagine."

..."See how easy this is? See the beauty all around you?"

..."You're doing what seemed so hard with only walking shoes."

..."There's always support. You don't have to know the way or do it all yourself."

Doctrine and Covenants section 24 v. 1. "Behold, thou wast called and chosen to ...; and I have lifted thee up out of thine afflictions, and have counseled thee, that though hast been delivered from all thing enemies, and though has been delivered from the powers of Satan and from darkness!"

After our hike, I knew I could get through the challenge I faced. I knew God was aware of me.

We went to Miracle Springs after our hike, and I had some time to sketch this.

"God Provides a Way"

Never Thought I'd Look Forward to March 1st

Maybe over the years, I've given too much attention to the month of February. 

Ever since the 2nd grade, Valentine's Day, February 14th,  has been my favorite holiday, and then only one week later I celebrate my birthday. 

Don't forget, February is also the most unique month having only 28 days 3/4 of the time, and it's the only month to celebrate leap year. 

Hello, what's not to love? 

February and I had this everlasting affinity even through my mom's death in the month of February back in 1992. 

But this year... this year February was very different. It's like there was a tangible shift in some 'weather' that brought in an unrecognizable 'storm'.

Starting on the 2nd of February, I've been reeling. 

Most years I have to admit, I am completely unaware of the anniversary of my mom's death unless a sibling messages me. This year, however, I had a deep sadness come and just settle over my heart and head that hasn't let up. 

As a family, we also experienced a lot of emotion leading up to Matthew leaving on his mission on the 11th and those feelings still linger. 

Valentine's Day was here for a bit but vanished without a parade. No party. No date with Tom. I delivered my usual Valentine sweets to friends and ward members out of habit and in hopes of sparking some sort of joy but I came home empty.

Sure enough, a week later the earth completed its 47th trip around the sun for me. I was pleasantly surprised to find out Matthew was able to call me for my birthday and we had a great talk just the two of us.  

Several friends remembered my birthday (even though I removed the FaceBook public reminder.) Makayla, Nick, Amy, and Janelle remembered too and called me which all was wonderful. 

Tom, Travis, and I went to Rembrandt's for brunch and usually, I like to do something active but this year we were experiencing a winter storm, which made me want to stay home all day, take a nap and watch a movie. Travis made me Chinese Chicken Salad, Brats, and Creme Brulee...yum! 

But nearing the end of the day, I knew something felt off. The deep sadness that surfaced on Feb. 2nd that I tried to repress was obviously still enduring. In hopes of shifting my sad energy, I asked Tom if he had a tiara for me to wear or if he was hiding balloons somewhere for me to find. 

Sadly, he answered no.

But it wasn't until my final yoga stretches before bed that I began to unpack the feelings I was experiencing. And it wasn't that Tom didn't buy me anything for my birthday; although it is quite fun to unwrap things. It wasn't that he hadn't written me a nice card yet either though I did expect he would.

It wasn't that I couldn't go out and explore the outdoors on my special day. It was grief. 

Helplessness, despair, loss, regret, separation, and the feeling, "...it's all just too difficult; I'll never make it." And a real vulnerability to pain and suffering. 

And if you can identify the feelings you have are grief. And let it. You can then move through it and beyond it.

Today is the last day of February 2021 and so thankfully, I say good-bye to this weird and sad month. And hopefully, say good-bye to all the grief. 

We'll Be on the Other Side Waiting For You

I'm not a planner, I'm an organizer. Do not put me in charge of innovation or creativity but count on me to execute whatever the innovative plan is. 

So, this last week with Elder Curtis was unsettling for me. The church travel department sent travel plans only a week before Matt was supposed to leave. The travel plans left too many details out to properly plan for the execution of his departure, so we literally had to 'wing it' as sparse pieces of information flowed through Matt's email up until he boarded his first flight. 

Most stressful and confusing were the plans for traveling during a pandemic and meeting requirements to travel COVID-free.

COVID testing was sent a few days before Matt left with a protocol that would give anyone a headache.

"Spit in this tube within 72 hours but not less than 48 hours before...mail through overnight express...if the status is 'unavailable' or 'reserved' call right away...results will be available by 9pm...if results show 'negative' complete this form...take the QR code...attach these hombe elibre ponduro blah blah language I don't understand documents to the form...print...carry with you...don't congregate with other missionaries...walk fast in Santiago airport...memorize and repeat these 2 phrases which mean 'I'm an American' and 'I don't have COVID'...on the 9-hour flight to Santiago fill out these forms for your VISA...someone will be on the other side waiting for you."

Elder Curtis planned the foods he wanted to eat over the last few days he'd spend at home, which made my job easy.

On Tuesday the 9th, he picked the restaurant, Tocanos, as one of the last meals before he leaves for Chile, which reminded us that we should be experiencing this delicious place more often. 

Wednesday, the 10th of February, Matt said good-bye to family and friends one last time. Trey Anderson, Brooklyn Thomas, Sam Richardson, and Emma Klapstein all came by to say farewell. We dined with our neighbors Mike, Sharon, and Karrin, and Makayla and Nick face timed him from Utah.

We spent good quality family time on Wednesday. We ate well (Chiptole, Matt's fav), did some last-minute shopping, packed, and got to bed much too late to get a good night's sleep for the early 5am alarm on Thursday the 11th.

In the morning, no one felt like eating. Probably because of the huge pit in all of our stomachs.

We loaded the car and drove Matt to the airport. I think Matthew hugged Aabee longer than he hugged me but I think he was partly saying good-bye in case Aabee passes away before he returns from his mission. She turns 10 tomorrow. 

He checked in his 2 bags weighing just around 35 lbs each and rolled his carry-on to the entrance of the security checkpoint. This is where we gave our last hugs.

I whispered encouraging words of how proud I am and how much I love him but I'm not sure what Travis whispered. 

This is where my heart broke into tiny pieces. 

Through the stupid masks, you can see Matt building Travis up, filling his heart with encouragement and much-needed advice that can only come from a big brother. You can see the resolve in Matt's face, the sadness in Travis's, and the last physical connection these two will have for 2 years. 

Thankfully Tom was able to take these memorable pictures because it took everything I had to not be a puddle on the floor. 

After too short of time saying good-bye, Matt walked into the security line looking over his shoulder for one last glance and gesture. 

When he turned that last time for a wave, I gasped.

Then, I grabbed my mouth with both hands. It was just too much to contain. Tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. It's a hard feeling to describe. Of course, I want Matt to go on this mission. He's prepared. We've all prepared. 

And yet, nothing will ever be the same again. 

Son, for the next 24 months but no less than the 2 months you've already served...be kind...show your giant heart...if your status is 'frustrated' or 'downtrodden' pray right away ... results may not be visible to you immediately...take the scriptures...speak in the blah blah language I don't yet understand...carry your testimony with you...walk fast since you won't be driving or biking your entire mission...memorize and repeat phrases which bring souls until Christ...on the 36-hour flights home...we'll be on this other side waiting for you. 

(Matthew boarded the plane in Houston headed for Santiago and he was bumped to business class where his seat reclined and hopefully he caught up on some missed sleep.)

Note to Self: Focus on The Last Moments

As the days of home MTC start to decrease, I notice my unease start to increase. I make lists in my mind and on paper so I don't miss a thing. And I have to constantly, consistently remind myself that the lists aren't where my focus needs to be. 

This Sunday was Stake Conference. It was also the last Sunday with Matthew at home. And list or no list, being present in that moment is where I wanted to focus.  I was doing a puzzle at the kitchen table but Tom, Matt, and Travis were watching the video conference sitting on the couch. We stood to sing an intermittent hymn, The Spirit of God. Near the end of the last verse and last chorus, I looked up from my puzzle in time to see their arms wrapped around each other. Much later Tom asked if I got a picture of the moment, which I hadn't and instantly regretted. 

If I had, it would have looked like this one but my view would have been from the back. (Same exact order!)

(This was Matt after he earned his green belt, Dec 2020.)

When your children are young, you don't know beforehand the last time you'll carry them or the last time they'll hold your hand. Somethings you just won't know but when your child is leaving to a foreign country in four days, you know for sure some of their last moments. For instance, that was probably the last at-home church with us four. And in the next few days, we'll experience many 'last moments' with Matt before he goes. 

This likely is the last time the boys will play soccer in this backyard. 

We'll dine one last time together, sleep under one roof together and I'll get that one last hug for at least the next two years. I'm a wreck. 

Last Sunday, we met Matt's Mission President and his wife, President and Sister Meek. During our introduction, Sister Meek asked Travis what he was going to miss most when Matt leaves. 

His response shocked and amazed me as his mother. Travis said, "I'll miss our long late-night talks. Matt's my best friend and he gives the best advice. Everything." 

I just can't even. We've been up late in sessions talking and crying about the end of this great era of us four in this house in Idaho. We have so many great blessings and so the void will also be so great. 

God be near. Help me focus. This isn't for the faint of heart. 

Carve Out Space for Jesus

Several months ago after reading a scripture detailing the events following Christ's crucifixion, I got curious to learn about Joseph of Arimethea.

Based on all four gospels, it seems Joseph, who was a wealthy man, came after Jesus had died and volunteered to take His body for burial. Maybe he was related and it was traditional for him to care for the body but I found it curious that Joseph just happened to have a tomb available for burial. 

Joseph was a part of the Sanhedrin Council, but because he was also a secret supporter of Jesus Christ, didn't take part in the Council's actions against Jesus. 

Being a wealthy and prominent community member, some believe volunteering to bury Jesus was a huge sacrifice of Joseph's reputation and resources. 

Regardless, I noticed that Joseph had to be prepared. 

And he had to willingly volunteer his tomb. He had to preserve a 'space' for Jesus; and literally, carve out that 'space' in a rock. 

I've pondered the idea of preserving a 'space' for Jesus during the time leading up to Matthew participating in home Missionary Training Center (MTC). 

I asked myself, how will I prepare like Joseph? 

How do I willing volunteer my preserved 'space' for Jesus?

Where do I carve out 'space' for Jesus in my life? 

Being a minimalist, my walls are bare. I don't have any pictures of Jesus and since we moved into our home I also don't have any family pictures on our walls either yet. 

So as a Christmas gift to the family, we prepared some 'space' on the wall for Jesus and purchased our first art of Christ. 

The title of it is "My Friend". 

Now, when we enter our family room, this is prominently displayed on our wall to remind us that Jesus is our Friend. And it reminds me to continue to carve out 'space' in my life for Jesus. 

Happy Birthday Again, Tom

It seems minutes after the china dishes are back in the china box and I've cleared the table from Thanksgiving dinner, it's time to celebrate Tom's birthday. 

In the early hours on Dec. 4th, I stumbled to the kitchen to cook bacon and eggs for the traditional birthday breakfast in bed. While I waited on the bacon, I triple-checked this new cake recipe one last time making sure I had enough ingredients. This year I made Tom a carrot cheesecake. 

It's made in layers starting with the cheesecake layer, which if you've never made cheesecake in a water bath you might not understand why I'm making such a big deal out of this cake. Trust me. 

Before eating the cake, I had the boys clear the counters, bring in twinkle lights, and a neutral backdrop, so I could capture proof of all the effort this sucker took. Cake, cheesecake, cake, and then surrounded in cream cheese frosting, it did not disappoint anyone.

We ate at the new restaurant around the corner called the Tavern for the first time for Tom's birthday. We got the nachos appetizer to share and then I had the chicken and potatoes. We finished the night watching a movie together. Tom opened a new lighted magnifying glass for tying flies and I gifted him a coupon for a home massage just like every birthday since I learn to massage in California. (2012) We love and appreciate you, Tom. 

Thanksgiving 2020

My mom wrote about our family Thanksgiving holidays in her journal but she didn't go into detail about any special traditions or the food we would eat and there are no pictures that I know of. I have some of her recipes but none of them are Thanksgiving-themed. 

When we lived in California, Tom's mom Linda would cook and bake traditional food most years. After we moved to Texas, I cooked and hosted Thanksgiving several times but I remember once we went to my dad's house near Fort Worth, TX and everyone brought sides to share. 

Last Thanksgiving was our first Thanksgiving in Idaho. We celebrated with my son-in-law's grandpa and his whole family. Due to COVID-19 this year, Thanksgiving at grandpa Rex's was canceled, but Makayla and Nick came up from Utah and I prepared the dinner. 

We ate:
Turkey
Turkey Legs
Ham
Mashed potatoes
Gravy
Twice-baked potatoes (Nick's grandma's recipe)
Macaroni (Nick's grandma's recipe)
Orange Rolls (Nick's grandma's recipe)
Punch (Nick's grandma's recipe)
Sweet potatoes
Stuffing
Rolls
Chocolate Pie
Pumpkin Pie
Cheesecake
Pecan Pie (store-bought)

The number of COVID cases was increasing in both Utah and Idaho. There was a lot of public debate about gatherings and holiday travel but ultimately I'm so glad Makayla and Nick were able to come, celebrate the holiday, and say good-bye to Matthew before he leaves on his mission. 

(Makayla hugging Matthew good-bye for 2 years :)