Never Thought I'd Look Forward to March 1st

Maybe over the years, I've given too much attention to the month of February. 

Ever since the 2nd grade, Valentine's Day, February 14th,  has been my favorite holiday, and then only one week later I celebrate my birthday. 

Don't forget, February is also the most unique month having only 28 days 3/4 of the time, and it's the only month to celebrate leap year. 

Hello, what's not to love? 

February and I had this everlasting affinity even through my mom's death in the month of February back in 1992. 

But this year... this year February was very different. It's like there was a tangible shift in some 'weather' that brought in an unrecognizable 'storm'.

Starting on the 2nd of February, I've been reeling. 

Most years I have to admit, I am completely unaware of the anniversary of my mom's death unless a sibling messages me. This year, however, I had a deep sadness come and just settle over my heart and head that hasn't let up. 

As a family, we also experienced a lot of emotion leading up to Matthew leaving on his mission on the 11th and those feelings still linger. 

Valentine's Day was here for a bit but vanished without a parade. No party. No date with Tom. I delivered my usual Valentine sweets to friends and ward members out of habit and in hopes of sparking some sort of joy but I came home empty.

Sure enough, a week later the earth completed its 47th trip around the sun for me. I was pleasantly surprised to find out Matthew was able to call me for my birthday and we had a great talk just the two of us.  

Several friends remembered my birthday (even though I removed the FaceBook public reminder.) Makayla, Nick, Amy, and Janelle remembered too and called me which all was wonderful. 

Tom, Travis, and I went to Rembrandt's for brunch and usually, I like to do something active but this year we were experiencing a winter storm, which made me want to stay home all day, take a nap and watch a movie. Travis made me Chinese Chicken Salad, Brats, and Creme Brulee...yum! 

But nearing the end of the day, I knew something felt off. The deep sadness that surfaced on Feb. 2nd that I tried to repress was obviously still enduring. In hopes of shifting my sad energy, I asked Tom if he had a tiara for me to wear or if he was hiding balloons somewhere for me to find. 

Sadly, he answered no.

But it wasn't until my final yoga stretches before bed that I began to unpack the feelings I was experiencing. And it wasn't that Tom didn't buy me anything for my birthday; although it is quite fun to unwrap things. It wasn't that he hadn't written me a nice card yet either though I did expect he would.

It wasn't that I couldn't go out and explore the outdoors on my special day. It was grief. 

Helplessness, despair, loss, regret, separation, and the feeling, "...it's all just too difficult; I'll never make it." And a real vulnerability to pain and suffering. 

And if you can identify the feelings you have are grief. And let it. You can then move through it and beyond it.

Today is the last day of February 2021 and so thankfully, I say good-bye to this weird and sad month. And hopefully, say good-bye to all the grief. 

We'll Be on the Other Side Waiting For You

I'm not a planner, I'm an organizer. Do not put me in charge of innovation or creativity but count on me to execute whatever the innovative plan is. 

So, this last week with Elder Curtis was unsettling for me. The church travel department sent travel plans only a week before Matt was supposed to leave. The travel plans left too many details out to properly plan for the execution of his departure, so we literally had to 'wing it' as sparse pieces of information flowed through Matt's email up until he boarded his first flight. 

Most stressful and confusing were the plans for traveling during a pandemic and meeting requirements to travel COVID-free.

COVID testing was sent a few days before Matt left with a protocol that would give anyone a headache.

"Spit in this tube within 72 hours but not less than 48 hours before...mail through overnight express...if the status is 'unavailable' or 'reserved' call right away...results will be available by 9pm...if results show 'negative' complete this form...take the QR code...attach these hombe elibre ponduro blah blah language I don't understand documents to the form...print...carry with you...don't congregate with other missionaries...walk fast in Santiago airport...memorize and repeat these 2 phrases which mean 'I'm an American' and 'I don't have COVID'...on the 9-hour flight to Santiago fill out these forms for your VISA...someone will be on the other side waiting for you."

Elder Curtis planned the foods he wanted to eat over the last few days he'd spend at home, which made my job easy.

On Tuesday the 9th, he picked the restaurant, Tocanos, as one of the last meals before he leaves for Chile, which reminded us that we should be experiencing this delicious place more often. 

Wednesday, the 10th of February, Matt said good-bye to family and friends one last time. Trey Anderson, Brooklyn Thomas, Sam Richardson, and Emma Klapstein all came by to say farewell. We dined with our neighbors Mike, Sharon, and Karrin, and Makayla and Nick face timed him from Utah.

We spent good quality family time on Wednesday. We ate well (Chiptole, Matt's fav), did some last-minute shopping, packed, and got to bed much too late to get a good night's sleep for the early 5am alarm on Thursday the 11th.

In the morning, no one felt like eating. Probably because of the huge pit in all of our stomachs.

We loaded the car and drove Matt to the airport. I think Matthew hugged Aabee longer than he hugged me but I think he was partly saying good-bye in case Aabee passes away before he returns from his mission. She turns 10 tomorrow. 

He checked in his 2 bags weighing just around 35 lbs each and rolled his carry-on to the entrance of the security checkpoint. This is where we gave our last hugs.

I whispered encouraging words of how proud I am and how much I love him but I'm not sure what Travis whispered. 

This is where my heart broke into tiny pieces. 

Through the stupid masks, you can see Matt building Travis up, filling his heart with encouragement and much-needed advice that can only come from a big brother. You can see the resolve in Matt's face, the sadness in Travis's, and the last physical connection these two will have for 2 years. 

Thankfully Tom was able to take these memorable pictures because it took everything I had to not be a puddle on the floor. 

After too short of time saying good-bye, Matt walked into the security line looking over his shoulder for one last glance and gesture. 

When he turned that last time for a wave, I gasped.

Then, I grabbed my mouth with both hands. It was just too much to contain. Tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. It's a hard feeling to describe. Of course, I want Matt to go on this mission. He's prepared. We've all prepared. 

And yet, nothing will ever be the same again. 

Son, for the next 24 months but no less than the 2 months you've already served...be kind...show your giant heart...if your status is 'frustrated' or 'downtrodden' pray right away ... results may not be visible to you immediately...take the scriptures...speak in the blah blah language I don't yet understand...carry your testimony with you...walk fast since you won't be driving or biking your entire mission...memorize and repeat phrases which bring souls until Christ...on the 36-hour flights home...we'll be on this other side waiting for you. 

(Matthew boarded the plane in Houston headed for Santiago and he was bumped to business class where his seat reclined and hopefully he caught up on some missed sleep.)

Note to Self: Focus on The Last Moments

As the days of home MTC start to decrease, I notice my unease start to increase. I make lists in my mind and on paper so I don't miss a thing. And I have to constantly, consistently remind myself that the lists aren't where my focus needs to be. 

This Sunday was Stake Conference. It was also the last Sunday with Matthew at home. And list or no list, being present in that moment is where I wanted to focus.  I was doing a puzzle at the kitchen table but Tom, Matt, and Travis were watching the video conference sitting on the couch. We stood to sing an intermittent hymn, The Spirit of God. Near the end of the last verse and last chorus, I looked up from my puzzle in time to see their arms wrapped around each other. Much later Tom asked if I got a picture of the moment, which I hadn't and instantly regretted. 

If I had, it would have looked like this one but my view would have been from the back. (Same exact order!)

(This was Matt after he earned his green belt, Dec 2020.)

When your children are young, you don't know beforehand the last time you'll carry them or the last time they'll hold your hand. Somethings you just won't know but when your child is leaving to a foreign country in four days, you know for sure some of their last moments. For instance, that was probably the last at-home church with us four. And in the next few days, we'll experience many 'last moments' with Matt before he goes. 

This likely is the last time the boys will play soccer in this backyard. 

We'll dine one last time together, sleep under one roof together and I'll get that one last hug for at least the next two years. I'm a wreck. 

Last Sunday, we met Matt's Mission President and his wife, President and Sister Meek. During our introduction, Sister Meek asked Travis what he was going to miss most when Matt leaves. 

His response shocked and amazed me as his mother. Travis said, "I'll miss our long late-night talks. Matt's my best friend and he gives the best advice. Everything." 

I just can't even. We've been up late in sessions talking and crying about the end of this great era of us four in this house in Idaho. We have so many great blessings and so the void will also be so great. 

God be near. Help me focus. This isn't for the faint of heart.