Never Thought I'd Look Forward to March 1st

Maybe over the years, I've given too much attention to the month of February. 

Ever since the 2nd grade, Valentine's Day, February 14th,  has been my favorite holiday, and then only one week later I celebrate my birthday. 

Don't forget, February is also the most unique month having only 28 days 3/4 of the time, and it's the only month to celebrate leap year. 

Hello, what's not to love? 

February and I had this everlasting affinity even through my mom's death in the month of February back in 1992. 

But this year... this year February was very different. It's like there was a tangible shift in some 'weather' that brought in an unrecognizable 'storm'.

Starting on the 2nd of February, I've been reeling. 

Most years I have to admit, I am completely unaware of the anniversary of my mom's death unless a sibling messages me. This year, however, I had a deep sadness come and just settle over my heart and head that hasn't let up. 

As a family, we also experienced a lot of emotion leading up to Matthew leaving on his mission on the 11th and those feelings still linger. 

Valentine's Day was here for a bit but vanished without a parade. No party. No date with Tom. I delivered my usual Valentine sweets to friends and ward members out of habit and in hopes of sparking some sort of joy but I came home empty.

Sure enough, a week later the earth completed its 47th trip around the sun for me. I was pleasantly surprised to find out Matthew was able to call me for my birthday and we had a great talk just the two of us.  

Several friends remembered my birthday (even though I removed the FaceBook public reminder.) Makayla, Nick, Amy, and Janelle remembered too and called me which all was wonderful. 

Tom, Travis, and I went to Rembrandt's for brunch and usually, I like to do something active but this year we were experiencing a winter storm, which made me want to stay home all day, take a nap and watch a movie. Travis made me Chinese Chicken Salad, Brats, and Creme Brulee...yum! 

But nearing the end of the day, I knew something felt off. The deep sadness that surfaced on Feb. 2nd that I tried to repress was obviously still enduring. In hopes of shifting my sad energy, I asked Tom if he had a tiara for me to wear or if he was hiding balloons somewhere for me to find. 

Sadly, he answered no.

But it wasn't until my final yoga stretches before bed that I began to unpack the feelings I was experiencing. And it wasn't that Tom didn't buy me anything for my birthday; although it is quite fun to unwrap things. It wasn't that he hadn't written me a nice card yet either though I did expect he would.

It wasn't that I couldn't go out and explore the outdoors on my special day. It was grief. 

Helplessness, despair, loss, regret, separation, and the feeling, "...it's all just too difficult; I'll never make it." And a real vulnerability to pain and suffering. 

And if you can identify the feelings you have are grief. And let it. You can then move through it and beyond it.

Today is the last day of February 2021 and so thankfully, I say good-bye to this weird and sad month. And hopefully, say good-bye to all the grief.